The most epic, the most famous, the most spectacular standoff man has ever faced is that of man versus spider. An intense battle where only the fittest, the strongest and the bravest competitor with unmatched cunning will be the victor. Be glad because you’re reading this. Next time, you’ll win that battle.

So, you walk into your bedroom and there on the wall, laying its army of terrifying eggs, is the eight legged arachnid that is the cornerstone of all fear you’ve ever known. What you mustn’t do is grab that slipper next to your bed and THWACK… because you’ll likely miss, or you’ll create an ugly mess on your wall. No, you have to be smart and patient with these things.

Do not make the spider afraid.

Step 1: Approach it with grace. Take baby steps towards the spider, smiling at it if necessary, making it feel comfortable. The last thing you want is for the creature to dart around the room making it impossible to capture again, so whatever you do, do not make the spider afraid… You only make that mistake once.

Step 2: Get to know your spider. Ask it for their name, how they’re doing; sing it a little song, do it a little dance. It’s all part of that master plan of luring the spider into the world’s most believable false sense of security. But chances are, your spider’s not stupid. Heck, it’s probably more intelligent than you. It’s thinking, “dis fool gon clap me wiv a slippa.” (Your spider is ghetto, get over it.) So, when you follow Step 3: Get that newspaper from the living room, bare that in mind…

Because when you return to your room, the spider probably won’t be where you left it. It’ll be up in that corner where you’ve never been able to dust and if you listen carefully, you’ll be able to hear it laughing at you; mocking you and your attempt to throw some shapes. “Y da janky moves?” It’ll ask you. (I’m translating but if you happen not to be fluent in Arachnidtounge then just laugh and pretend it wasn’t a question.)

Afterwards, swallow that lump in your throat, wipe the sweat off your brow and implement Step 4: Open the window. It’s probably where the spider came from, so give it a final chance to escape before the deed is done. If the spider is smart it will go for the window, if it is stupid it will stay. In which case, don’t hold back with Step 5! Remember that newspaper? What you have to do is get a tight grip on it. Now, it’s important not to panic here with your legs flapping and your voice screeching frequencies heard only by dogs. Unfortunately, the pressure becomes too much for some at this point. So, if you find yourself littered in a pool of your own sweat and urine… just walk away. Put the newspaper down, hang your tiny head in shame and admit sincere defeat my friend.

You. Have. Failed.

Yet one would hope that if you are indeed embarking on this escapade to rid the world of one more spider,  you would be able to control your own bladder also. And so, with the newspaper in your vengeance hand, edge said spider closer and closer to the window. Don’t worry if it takes a few attempts, it is tricky. Then, when the spider least expects it, with a final, determined ROAR… just ever so gently pat the delicate creature out of the window safely onto the pane outside.

Breathe in the deep satisfaction. You’ve done well.

And if you don’t want to neutralise the spider humanely?
Take a good look in the mirror! What kind of a sick person are you?